The Vulgarians Evoke Something in My Breast

This is a rant.  You’ve been warned.

Never mind the goo. That's just my skin melting.

 So, here in Oklahoma, we just had the hottest July on record. As of today — on which the official high was 108º, although, as you can see, my iPhone insists it was 111 — there’s a statewide burn ban. I’m not too broken up about that, since I’m not currently in campfire mode and never in the habit of burning my trash.

But what does burn me up — har de har har — are the pristine, emerald green lawns I viewed when I made a trip to Vulgaria this afternoon.

What, you might be asking yourself, is Vulgaria?

Well, I’ll tell you, darling reader. Vulgaria is my term for human dwellings so ridiculously, wastefully ostentatious that they’re just vulgar.

I mean, come on — you gotta have turrets on your mansion? Really?

Actually, I’m a total hypocrite here. I love the turrets. If I had money for a mansion, you better believe I’d want it to have turrets. Two, as a matter of fact. Maybe even three. And a bastion here and there. If you don’t know what that is, I’m just gonna to let you keep thinking it’s something obscene, because I feel snarky and you have Wikipedia.


Anyway, I toured a little slice of Vulgaria in North OKC this evening. The husband, who works for a hardwood flooring wholesaler, had made a delivery there and knew I’d appreciate the architecture. Because he knows I’m a sucker for a good turret. We drove in through the exit because the entrance gate was closed. What can I say — we’re rebels.

The husband was right: I loved the architecture. It evoked all the classic beauty of Italy, the slight mystery of the English countryside, and the hominess of colonial American hearths. The masonry was perfect with its intentional haphazard look, and the turrets rose quite majestically, indeed. Each house evoked in my breast* a deeper, more fond sentiment than the last.

But I wasn’t so fond of their lawns.

You see, all of their lawns looked to have grown in lush, green Ireland — not blistering hot Oklahoma. And several home owners had decided to run their sprinklers.

After it rained this afternoon.

Granted, it wasn’t much rain. From what I’ve researched, it was officially 0.33 inches. That’s not a lot. Especially when you’re in a drought.

But still.

The Vulgarians decided to ignore the fact that there was water falling from the sky and, instead, get water from a hose and put it on their yards. Why, you ask, is this a big deal?

Actually, I suppose some of you are asking yourselves why I’m making a big deal out of any of this at all.

Well, lemme tell ya.

This came off the intarwebz somewhere. I hope that's okay. If not, let me know. ; )

There’s this thing called Lake Hefner. It’s a body of water smack dab in the middle of OKC. The lake is where the Vulgarians are getting the water for their emerald lawns.

That lake is also the place where my drinking water comes from.

When I was at the lake two days ago, the water line was about 150 feet from shore.


Maybe I don’t understand how utilities work. Maybe the City of Oklahoma City has done all that’s necessary by leaving messages on everyone’s voicemail only to water lawns on odd-numbered days if your address is odd-numbered, even days if your address is even. Maybe I’m begrudging the Vulgarians their prize-winning grass for no other reason than that I can’t afford to water the lawn of my rent house.

Maybe I’m just being snarky for no reason at all.

But I keep thinking about that distant water line at Lake Hefner. I’m remembering the Wishing Well Water Walk I participated in a couple of years ago. I’m thinking about how money for turrets and pretty lawns could be going to help people. I’m pondering the fact that, considering the national debt, every U.S. citizen carries an average debt of $46,712.00 — and people still care to spend money on what their grass looks like.

I’m shutting off the water while I soap up in the shower. It’s not much, but it makes me feel better.

*No. You may not evoke anything. So stop thinking that. ; )

7 thoughts on “The Vulgarians Evoke Something in My Breast

  1. Good lord Courtney, I LOVE the way you write – great voice.

    We have our Vulgaria here in St. Louis. I want to stick their water hoses down their turrets.

    Probably won’t make them change a thing – but, hey, I’ll feel better!

  2. Frank, thank you for the compliment — and your line about the hoses and turrets made me guffaw aloud at my computer screen. ; )

    Thanks for the day-brightener visit!

  3. P.S. It’s good to know we Oklahoma City-ans aren’t the only ones with Vulgarians in our midst…but I wish they weren’t so widespread!

  4. Pamela Davis says:

    Always a good read Courtney. Go ahead and rant anytime!

  5. Thanks, Pam — I appreciate that. : )

  6. Dean Carlton says:

    Indeed, you are not the only ones to have Vulgarians in your midst….

    I live in Surrey, England (UK): “Today Surrey is still one of the richest areas in the UK and the population ranks among the richest in the country.”

    A mixture of huge acreages with high walls (keeps the pheasants in), bijou mock-tudor mansions, “gated communities” (keeps the peasants out), private roads and a high street full of shops that sell expensive, crafty-type knick-knacks.

    Unfortunately (for “us”, not “them”), it is a mainly nouveau-riche, wannabee, social-climbing, Russian oligarch, ‘footballer / WAGS (Wives And GirlfriendS), Z-list, or dun-good on a few property-deal -types. The type that thinks themselves FAR above you and will not have ANYTHING to do with YOU “Darling!” – frankly, the type of people I do not want anything to do with anyway.

    We usually have “hose-pipe bans” every year – and yet their swimming pools are still full, and their lawns immaculate and green….


  7. Dino, I hear ya. Those aren’t the kind of people I enjoy being around, either. I do my best to get along with everyone, but there’s a point where if someone treats me like a peasant, my goodwill isn’t enough to span the gulf between us.

    That said, even though I disapprove of the Vulgarians’ waste of water, I must admit to enjoying the architecture of their homes. Many of their builders employ European elements. Seeing them makes my homesickness for Europe a little more bearable. ; )

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