I possess more than just vorpal unicorn morphing powers. Just wait 'til you see what I can do with my socks.
So, the husband got himself a bad ankle sprain at work last Thursday. Two nights later, after he was already half-asleep, I crawled into bed and kicked his sore ankle.
Ed (muted whisper so as not to wake the baby): OW!
Me (muted whisper so as not to wake the baby): Oh no! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to!
Ed (still whispering): It’s okay.
Me (still whispering): I’m really sorry. I’m wearing socks, so I don’t know my own strength.
Ed (whispering): What are you, the Samson of the Sock World?
(Imagine we whisper the rest of the conversation, because I’m already tired of typing the word “whisper.”)
Me: Yes. Yes, I am the Samson of the Sock World.
Ed: So, if we shave your head, you’ll lose your ankle-kicking sock-powers?
Me: You’ve uncovered my secret. Shave my head, and I’m just like any other mortal.
Ed (whisper-singing a parody of the spiritual “Witness”**): Shave your head with a Bic in my hand and your strength will come like a natural…woman?
Me (whisper-singing): ‘Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like a natural woman!
Ed: Stop that, you’re gonna wake the baby.
Me: You’re the one who started singing.
Ed: Only because you kicked me!
Me: I can’t help it! It was the socks!
Ed: I’m going to sleep now.
Me: If you come at me with a Bic, I’m going to scream.
Me: Stop snoring! *kick*
“Witness”, relevant lines at 1:37 – 1:48.