santapants

Via @MrSteveProctor on Twitter:

“Penn Square (Mall in Oklahoma City) used to be an open shopping center. Santa arrived each year via helicopter, climbing down a rope ladder. (In) 1963, Santa’s pants fell off while he was still in midair. It was the best thing ever.”

Pantsless Claus.

the marvelous toy

Courtesy of Alexa, I have just revisited a vivid childhood memory that I think I have avoided for what might be decades.

I grew up listening to holiday mixtapes that my parents recorded in the early ’70s, late 70s, early 80s. These were the “classic” holiday faves via Bing Crosby, Brenda Lee, John Denver, Nat King Cole, Judy Garland, Gene Autry, Perry Como, Billie Holiday. A few “newer” artists like The Beach Boys, Elvis, The Jackson 5, etc etc. And that’s all fine and good until you get to the song that low-key traumatized me from as far back as I can remember.

I had to look up who the original songwriter was, and it turns out that “The Marvelous Toy” is a John Denver song. I had no idea until about 10 minutes ago. I don’t remember which cover was on my parents’ mixtape, but it might have been Tom Paxton? Anyway, I asked Alexa to play the song, the version I got is by Peter, Paul, and Mary. It’s not precisely the one I grew up listening to, but it definitely works for Excavation of Deeply-Buried Childhood Nightmare. I remember being *very* young and listening to this song at Christmastime and feeling utterly creeped out. Mainly by the chorus:

It went zip when it moved
And bop when it stopped
And whirrr when it stood still.
I never knew just what it was
And I guess I never will.

Anybody want to take a wild guess as to why this song and the imagery freaked me out?

PLEASE NOTE: As I voice-to-texted this post, the app transcribed “whirrr when it stood still” to “horror when it stood still,” and thus am I vindicated, see, because even the app knows.

So in my child’s mind here’s what happens: Dad brings home an item that has kind of a creepy description with button eyes and moving parts. Nobody has a clue how it works. Nobody knows where it came from. No one can identify or classify what this thing is, and it is in the gor-ram house.

Not only that, this unidentifiable thing sticks around long enough to be passed down to the next generation like some kind of cursed family heirloom that brings creeping, ominous horror into the lives of everyone who comes into contact with it.

It first marched left and then marched right,
And then marched under a chair.
And when l looked where it had gone,
it wasn’t even there.
I started to sob and my daddy laughed, for he knew that I would find
When l turned around: my marvelous toy, chugging from behind.

This stalking the kid from behind. And his father laughs.
DAD. WHAT THE EVER-LOVING ST. NICK IS WRONG WITH YOU

Oh it’s a marvelous toy all right. Marvelously and utterly terrifying.

I’ve never known just what it is, and I guess I never will.

*shivers*

P.S. I love this song.

P.P.S. Because I’d tweet it if I could: The Sound of Music is NOT a Christmas/holiday movie.

i I have no mouth, and i must tweet

So, I am currently in Twitter jail for unknown reasons. The lack of ability to spout my thoughts into the Void / Not-Quite-So-Void is driving me a little batty, so I’m actually blogging! GASP AND EGAD.

Hopefully, since I can’t even tweet a link to this post, it will still reach someone out there in the ether who actually has an interest in the goings-on of my life and brain. IF YOU’RE THERE, HOLLABACK Y’ALL.

So, without further ado or adon’t, here are some random thoughts courtesy of m o i ‘s (Powers-That-Be)-inhibited heartsoulmindbody:

•One of the reasons I haven’t blogged in the last few months is that I have been sick a lot and by a lot I mean, like, A LOT. Like, the Snot Monster GOT me. And by got me, I mean I was vanquished utterly and defeated yea unto the mud. Back-to-back sinus infections, woop woop! 😃 The official count was 2 (two), but I suspect it was either 3 (three) sinus infections one right after the other in the space of 6 (six) weeks, or one single sinus infection that lasted a total of two and a half months. I DON’T KNOW.

At any rate, it required a high-powered antibiotic that made me feel like there were ants running under my skin in the middle of the night, before the sinus infection ultimately yielded and gave up the ghost. Since I have chronic sinusitis, I am not entirely sure that it is entirely gone for realsies, but at least I feel better.

The other factor in the Saga of Wrathful Illness is that in the middle of the high-powered antibiotic treatment, I came down with the flu. Yay. 😀🤪🙃😳😰😫😱😵🤒😭 That was so much fun. Can you hear the unadulterated sarcasm in my voice? No, you cannot. But, believe me, it is there. Palpably. If you were with me, you could touch it.

This was the first time in probably 15 years that I’ve had the flu, and the utter exhaustion and miserableness of the experience is barely describable. One of the most difficult parts was the continuous brainfog anytime I was awake, a brainfog which lasted at least a week after I actually felt like I no longer had the flu. I even had Tamiflu, and I still felt like I’d run a marathon anytime I was vertical for more than 5 minutes. As of now, I am finally feeling like a human being again and can participate in activities that contribute not only to surviving, but also to living and ye gods actually thriving. Hopefully this will continue through the holidays which will be, for various reasons I don’t want to get into right now, a lot more active and tiring than I had originally planned on. But such is life, c’est la vie, c’est la guerre, c’est la dreck.

(Side note I am currently using voice-to-text for the first draft of this post, and the app is translating that last sentence as “c’est la vie salon salon track.” Seems legit.)

•In other news, I am watching The Magicians Season 4 on Netflix and enjoying it immensely. Every season of this show just keeps getting better and better and I love it and it is completely in my wheelhouse, up my alley, it is the cream in my coffee, it’s all the cliches that indicate that this show was written specifically for me, my eyeballs my ears my brain my heart my gut my unmentionables. Right now I’m on Episode 9 and it’s funny to me that I am enjoying Margo so much this season. I didn’t like her really at all until maybe the middle of Season 3? But at this point in the proceedings, I think it’s fair to say that she is my absolute favorite character and…yeah, I probably shouldn’t say what my gut reaction to her really is. At this point I just want to share my thought that there is no one in the universe as regal as former High King Margo Hanson stalking out of the castle, holding her birthright box with her chin held high and her nose in the air and her entire being radiating a resounding f— you to anybody who’s watching. I WORSHIP THIS WOMAN.

Also, I. Miss. The. Real. Eliot. And I need him back as soon as possible PLEASE.

•On we go! To absolutely no one’s surprise (and if you are surprised, Gentle Reader, then I must say you don’t know me at ALL), I am utterly thrilled about the impeachment of the current American president. I could not be happier. I am well aware that impeachment does not necessarily mean removal, and it is very likely that he will continue to be president until January of 2021, and it is entirely possible that he will be re-elected in November 2020, in which case he will remain president until in January of 2025. I have had a glass and a half of wine, after not having any alcohol for several weeks, so I might not be doing that math entirely correctly, but y’all get my point. The decision to impeach does not mean that we are shut of him. I am not advocating any kind of untimely death, but the fact of the matter is that we will not be shut of him until he is dead. Honestly, hopefully, of natural causes.

But.

I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hope that there is a conviction just over the horizon. It would be incredibly wonderful if that were to happen. I will not hold my breath. But there is still hope.

•In further news, tonight is the premiere of the newest Star Wars movie, The Rise of Skywalker, and I am not at said premiere, and it is a tragedy.

•In other further news, my LIFE.

And that is all for now.

Happy Festival Month, you utter cuties.

P.S. Gabbard is a coward and the entire GOP is slime.

P.P.S. Somebody at an OKC mall shot somebody in an argument that took place in a shoe store, and in not at all related news, we desperately need sane laws regulating firearms.

P.P.P.S. I want to see the CATS movie and I don’t care who knows it.