atheism for lent, day four: addendum (i.e. a poem)

If you’ve been following along, dear inklings — and I know you have, because that’s just the sort of lovelies you are — you know that I am in the midst of my SECOND journey through Atheism for Lent. I took copious notes (as I am wont to do) during AfL2019; and so, when I was listening to today’s material (will blog on it tomorrow) and needed the spelling of a name I recognized from last year, I broke out last year’s notebook and paged through to find what I was looking for.

I found what I was looking for.

I also found a poem.

I sort of remember writing this? At least, I remember how I felt during the season in which I wrote this.

I still kind of feel that way? At least, I still relate very well to what I wrote in the poem. But unlike Courtney of March 2019, Courtney of March 2020 feels pretty comfortable with what’s she expressed in the poem. Again, comfortable in the uncomfortable gap. Un/Comfortable in the a/theist space. It’s such a fun, weird, place to be, y’all.

Did you know you’re always welcome to join me? 😉 *kisses*

Anyway, here’s the poem.

Bearing Witness to Where I Am Now (or: Where’s the I AM Now?)

o god it is hard to be here
it is good to be here

i could ask you to bless this mess
but what would be the point?
was the fruit really a poison?
or is it a cure?

in the heavy breath of bearing witness
i’ve lost my shape
i ask and i plead
but i no longer know who’s listening
nobody answers
and maybe nobody ever did
this doubting thomas is gaining strength
the sparks aren’t harmless anymore

and un-god do i revel in that
un-god yes it moves me

are we at home yet, in babylon?
in the house divided, have we landed
on the side of Truth Incarnate?
are we it?
and are these the embers we want to fall by?

Courtney Cantrell
March 9, 2019