Hypocrisy in Marriage: A Horror Story

SCENE:
The Cantrells’ living room. The Cantrells are sitting on their couch. Ed is on the phone with Scott. Courtney (aka Me) is on the phone with her mother (aka Mama). Across from the couch, the TV is on. The sound is muted.

Mama: And we’re shopping on Friday?

Me: Yes. At the outlet mall.

(Ed picks up remote to change channel.)

Me: Wait! Don’t change it yet. I wanna see Miss Oklahoma.

Mama: What are you watching?

Me: It’s some beauty pageant. They’re showing contestants from each state.

Ed: It’s the Miss America contest.

Me: Ed says it’s Miss America.

Scott: You’re watching what?

Ed: We’re watching the Miss America pageant.

Me: Don’t tell people that! You don’t tell people we’re watching Miss America! What is wrong with you?!

Mama: But you are watching it.

Scott: If I were there with you and saw that, I would kill myself.

Me: We’re not watching it, it’s just on. I wanna see Miss Oklahoma, then we’re turning it off.

Ed: I really don’t know why we’re watching this.

Scott: Knowing it’s on, I might just drive in front of this train and kill myself.

Courtney: I can’t believe you’re telling people we’re watching Miss America. There is something wrong with you.

(Ed ignores me. He and Scott begin discussing man things.)

Me: There’s Nevada. And now New Hampshire.

Mama: Oh, you’re almost there, then.

Me: Yeah, but we have to get through all the “News” now. New Jersey, New Mexico…

(Ed and Scott continue discussing man things.)

Mama: What channel?

Me: Channel 4. Okay, there goes Ohio…and there’s Oklahoma.

Mama: Oh, I just missed her.

Me: She’s pretty. I didn’t like her dress, though.

(Ed stands up and walks toward kitchen, still discussing man things with Scott. TV remote remains at other end of couch from Me.)

Me: Wait, where are you going? I can’t reach the remote. Change the channel before you leave! I’m not watching this!