Vorpal Unicorn Morphing Powers and an Ode to Vacuum Cleaners

Once upon a time, according to the wise sage that is Google Analytics, someone typed “writing a story about court” into the search engine and came up with my blog.

I assumed that this meant the seeker intended to write a story about me, so in a resulting blogpost that also included figs and the 9th Circle of Hell, I asked for vorpal unicorn morphing superpowers.

when i nerd out, things like this happen

So far, I haven’t seen anything on Amazon to indicate that anyone has written and published this story.

I hold out hope.

In the meantime, as part of my Blog-Every-Day August (BEDAug) experiment, I’ve been checking Google Analytics again to see if anything unusual is happening yet. So far, the only oddity is that I had a spike in blog visitors last Friday. It seems to have been in response to this post — which, interestingly enough, has yet to receive a single comment as of this writing.

The intarweebz is weird.

Anyway, nerding out over Analytics has me looking at keyword searches again, so I thought I’d share my three favorite recent ones with you. Here they are in no particular order:

1. what can i write on all my stars

How excellent a question is this?! It flips my bangerang switch but good.

I have no idea what it means.

But it makes me want to run outside and look up at the sky with a telescope to see who’s been writing what out there in the universe. This is incredibly inspiring and makes me fiercely happy.

Hon, those stars are yours. Write on them whatever you want.

2. what does meshare reth mean in rethana’s surrender

Sha-ZAM, y’all. You know what this means? This means somebody was looking for information relating specifically to my “kissing book” epic fantasy novel, Rethana’s Surrender. And by doing so, they found my blog.

I don’t think I’ve blogged about Lirren Eamnaya, the language I invented for Rethana’s universe. So the poor visitor did not find what s/he was looking for.

But s/he spent 32 minutes and 19 seconds on the blog anyway.

Thank you, dear Rethana fan. You just made me whole week. : )

And in appreciation, here’s the answer you sought: In Lirren Eamnaya, meshare reth means “beautiful lady.” It’s what Manases, Rethana’s unwelcome (?) suitor calls her. I’d hoped to make the meaning clear within the context of the story. But since I apparently didn’t do that well enough, there you have it spelled out.

Let me know if you want more. ; )

3. poems about vacuum cleaners

I never knew such existed.

And I have no clue why such a search string would lead to my blog. Have I written about poetry and vacuuming in the same blog post? My memory is not what it once was, ’tis true, so it’s possible I just don’t recall pairing these two unlikely subjects.

But in case I haven’t actually written about poems and vacuum cleaners yet, here’s something to satisfy the hapless seeker of such:

Ode to My Vaccum Cleaner

Dear vacuum cleaner: Look, my dear,
I really have to say,
You’re rather kind of bulky
And you oft get in my way.

I try to push you back and forth,
but you refuse to move.
Your stubborn lack of cleaning
Gets me right out of my groove.

Seriously — that pile of lint?
And those there kitty litter crumbs?
You’re supposed to pick those up,
My dear, my vacuumating chum.

But no — instead of cleanéd floors,
I’m left with piles of dust.
You seem to think your job is done,
Though cleaning is a bust.

(And by the way, that smell you make?
The one of burnéd rubber?
Why can’t you smell of lemon fresh
Just like the kitchen scrubber?)

O, vacuum! You perplex me
And you make me run amok.
O, vacuum! I abhor you.
Dear vaccum: Dude, you suck!

10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Fight a Zombie Elf

 

  

 This post is brought to you by the letter “Z” and was inspired by Consortium Books‘ upcoming short story e-zine, Consortium of Worlds, Vol. 1 (in which you can read my zombie elf short story “Dead Reconning”). 

  
 

10 Things I’d Rather Do Than Fight a Zombie Elf

In random order:

  1. Fight a living elf
  2. Make out with a non-sparkling vampire
    We all know how that would end, and it doesn’t involve vampiric vegetarianism.
  3. Take afternoon tea with Gothmog (“Elephant Man” orc in LoTR film The Return of the King)
    Talk about one lump or two. Have you seen that guy’s face?!
  4. Engage in a Worst Poetry Contest with a Vogon
    Internal hemorrhaging, anyone?
  5. Listen to Rebecca Black’s “Friday” until my ears bleed
  6. Work out to Richard Simmons’s Disco Sweat
  7. Play hide-and-seek with Darth Vader
    “The stupidity is strong with this one.”
  8. Clean the cats’ litterboxes
  9. Catch a dragon by the toe
    If he hollers, you’re dead. Because he breathes fire and all.
  10. Try to write a novel without any coffee

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What about you? What would you rather do than fight an undead zombie elf?

Zombie Courtney created with “George A. Romero’s App of the Dead” app for iPhone.