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October 14, 2013 / Courtney / Language

Don’t Forget Your Porn Bucket

So, my husband works in hardwood flooring. He comes home with stories to amuse me. In related news, dialects are cramazing. World, never stop being you.

So, my husband works in hardwood flooring. A customer comes into the store, and the following exchange takes place between the customer and Ed’s co-worker. We’ll call the co-worker Adam and the customer Greg.

Adam: What can we do for ya?

Greg: Do y’all have any porn buckets?

Adam (stares): Do we have what?

Greg: Porn buckets. You got any?

Adam: I…I don’t understand. What?

Greg: PORRRRN buckets.

Adam: Dude, this is hardwood (stifles snort) flooring. We don’t have anything about porn here.

Greg: Flooring! Yes! That’s why I’m here — I need porn buckets!

Adam: Um…okay. What do you want to…um…do with these buckets?

Greg: Pour the finish in the bucket and then pour it over the floor.

Adam: Oh. Pouring buckets?

Greg: Yeah! Porn buckets!

________

Don’t do drugs, kids.

Best hardwood floor drawing EVAR.
Best hardwood floor drawing EVAR.

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Front cover of a novel. Title and author's name in white font with serifs, all CAPS. Title: The Priestess Murders. Author: Courtney Cantrell. The image depicts a gnarled tree reaching from the bottom left corner up the left side and across the top half of the image. The tree is silhouetted against a star-spangled, dark blue night sky. In the background (lower third of image) are leafy, densely growing trees dimly lit by what might be moonlight (light source not shown). In the center of the image is a honeybee viewed from above. The bee glows a pale gold and is surrounded by a nimbus if pale gold light. The bee also exudes rays of pale gold light reaching up and down and left and right. A gash is torn in the bee's thorax, and red blood trickles from the wound. Novel published October 2025.

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Courtney Cantrell: filthy chaos gremlin with vorpal unicorn morphing powers. She writes fantasy, sci-fi, and weird -- reads many, many books -- and questions ALL the things. Made of coffee, chocolate, and glitter glue.

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